I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment, I'm tied down with the flu and feel utter hellish. I'm listening to my friend Chris Gen's song Kyrptonite and I'm having a bit of an emotional breakdown (View his music myspace here!). I'm not sure if it's just the deepness of the song, or if I'm just over-reacting, but I just feel so numb to feelings. I feel as if I'm living in a bubble and I'm going nowhere while people around me are doing what they want to.

I know what I want to do in life, I have my dream path but it seems almost impossible to walk down. I'm not sure if I'm asking for too much, but my stubborn attitude makes me not want to give up, but sometimes I just wonder 'whats the point'.

I try so hard to fit in and all I want is for people to accept me for who I am. Evidently people around here are not like that. That's one of the many reasons why I need to get out of Fife, get out of Scotland, get out the United Kingdom. I've had my good memories here, but I've also had some hellish ones. Highschool was the most unpleasant experience of my life, due to the fact I wore a black hoody, a bit of eyeliner, had piercings and listened to heavy music. Something that simple made me a target for pretty much 3 years. Society is just filled with people who survive by picking on what seems the 'weaker'.

I'm a strong minded person and I've put up with the biggest load of shit and abuse you could ever imagine. I try so hard to be strong and fight through, but it's hard fighting the world ya know. I have the lowest self-esteem ever and no matter how hard my friends and family try I'll never be how I used to be. I despise myself to put it quite blunt, but I put up a front which is why nobody suspects anything. I hide behind a computer screen and I built a persona of who I want to be, which ironically turned out to be 'Kari Rose'.

You may argue that I have no life because I'm friends with thousands of people online, but the honest truth is that some of these people I've befriended are the best people around. I'd rather be friends with a bunch of people who live at the other side of the world, than befriend some local kid for the sake of it. The kids where I live fail, they are fake, nasty, horrible people that I wouldn't socialise with even if you paid me (not all of them, but most of them). Also, it's not like I'm a computer geek who sits here 24 hours a day, everyday, because I do go out, go to parties, social gatherings, hang out with people, etc.

Thanks to the internet, I've had a friend for almost 9 years; Thomas Wade. He's the only person I've never had an argument with, he's always there for me, I'm always there for him and we chat daily about our personal life. He's been there for me as I've grown up and knows pretty much everything about me. That's what I like. We're going to meet this year (hopefully).

Okies, so I've kind of lost point of this blog, drifted away from the subject, so I'll try and do a conclusion. Okay...even though I hide behind a computer and live in a somewhat virtual world (but to some extent, we all do, unless you don't have a computer), I'm still a person. I'm real, genuine and I wish people would realize that. I've outgrown this place though, I need to open my wings so-to-speak and fly. I just need a kick up the ass to make me soar.